I grew up in a home that was filled with chaos and uncertainty.

My father was a narcissist. My mother was codependent and struggled with several chronic illnesses along with severe depression.

I spent most of my adult life locked in maladaptive codependent behavior patterns of my own. Now I realize it was all in an effort to keep myself safe from the threat of abandonment, rejection, and criticism. I pleased and fawned my way into a false sense of safety. I coped with the tenuous uncertainty of life with a life-long binge eating disorder and OCD, and often relied on excessive alcohol consumption as a means of escape.

By the time I hit my 30’s, I was miserable, obese, and terrified. Something had to change. I poured my heart out in years of cognitive behavioral therapy. I devoured self-help books. I lost and regained various amounts of weight for 15+ years. I immersed myself in yoga and buddhist philosophy to build a foundation of spiritual support. I attended retreats and ceremonies. My symptoms persisted. At the end of the day, I was still triggered, resentful, and afraid. I felt lost and hopeless.

It wasn’t until I began regulating my nervous system that everything started to shift.

I learned that my people-pleasing pattern was actually a physiological response to the threat I faced in my youth. Once I allowed my body to regulate itself and move out of a sustained response to perceived threat, the pieces began falling into place, one by one.

My healing and nervous-system repair has led me to some big, gorgeous shifts in my life. It gave me…

• The coping skills to sit more patiently with the discomfort of uncertainty

• A desire to create healthy boundaries in my relationships and the gift of discernment to know where and when I need to make adjustments to support myself and my connection to others

• The ability to trust my body to tell me what it needs, leading to a balanced relationship with food and alcohol (and a 60 lb weight loss)

• The capacity to tenderly witness my experience as a child and recognize that what happened then wasn’t my fault, but my healing is my responsibility